The Proverbial Holding of My Breath

This is what I do from right after Thanksgiving through today, 2-11-11, or actually a bit longer. The last 3 Christmas mornings I have had to make myself smile because I just feel sad. It's when I think of my dad's plans, of his troubled heart, of Christmas & what a great visit we had- how glad I was that we went down a day early; we had a lot of joy together that day. Then I think of that Christmas day- It was normal- & then he seemed upset & left early. At the time it made no sense to me. I think of how I didn't return his text to call him on January 20th. How I still had not returned his call by February 11. How I can't change that. How I know I've always been daddy's call person & how it saddens me to know that towards the end, I strived to just be his daughter. I encouraged him to reach out to others. I wanted a "normal" father/daughter relationship. I should have remembered that we were both, that we had been for so long & sometimes it's more important to be there in the way people want you to be- the way they need you to be because they are fragile & have learned to trust you. He suffered so much, more than anyone I know. He loved me with all his heart. I am amazed at everything he did for so long. He really tried. I believe that he gave his best. I don't think he realized how much of me he'd take. I love him.



I couldn't bring him flowers today, but we have been together.



Journals, memories, the pages that tie us together:

The cards I read from people who love us, along with a card my boys had made to mail my dad.

This box I gave to my dad when I was younger- most likely high school, given that it's a cigar box. I was surprised & happy to see that he kept it for so long. I remember liking it.

My dad was a musical savant. He couldn't read music, but he played by ear & with his soul. He was also a member of the Mensa Society.

He was an avid journaler. I am thankful that he left these pieces of his heart. Bound books full of poetry & thoughts belonging to my dad are lying on my shelves.




Teaching is a wonderful way to learn about people and how they tick- About what you teach- About yourself and about life.


A new attitude may not be able to change the world, but it can change your world.


Risk vs. Stagnation
Not taking risks can help you avoid suffering, disappointment, fear, & sorrow, but it can also cause you to avoid learning, changing, loving, growing, or really living.


Ability involves stretching your limits and believing you have the capacity to perform on some level, either innately or through learning, within realistic competence & capacity.


Risk taking is inherently failure prone, otherwise it would be called sure-thing taking.
Fear can be crippling, it can squash greater potential & possibilities.


Fear
By facing fear & acting to overcome
Then, you begin to change your life in several ways. First, the fear that once paralyzed you is gone. Next, you feel better about yourself, & finally your self esteem begins to blossom. Facing your fears is a powerful tool in working toward healthier self esteem.


Purpose - Will- Desire - Destiny
They say where there's a will, there's a way. Well, I've got the will. It's
finding the way that's the hard part. -cancer patient


You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.


Lasting happiness comes from knowing you are worthy of it. Knowing you like yourself, & knowing you make a difference in the world some way.


I am afraid to try something; but I am more afraid of not trying. Fear is stressful but I want to overcome my fear in order to achieve, integrate & succeed.
I am afraid - I can achieve.


A particle can be in two places simultaneously.
God is not separate from us. We are not separate from each other. Ultimately- separation is an illusion?


Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

We can go create in God because God is not separate from me.
HALT
Hungry Angry Lonely Tired


Control self- do the best you can do.
When you are doing your very best within the circumstance, of your existance, applaud yourself.
Wherever you are in this moment is exactly where you are supposed to be no matter how things seem to appear.
From darkness to light, & back again, to dream to wake, then back again, through the ebb & flow we are one in it all.


Find a new dream & pursue it. Above all forgive yourself. I forgive everyone else.
There is no prescribed way for everyone. There is just your way for now- until you choose another.


There is no birth of consciousness without pain.

Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

Extending your hand is extending yourself.


Particles of Me:
A journey of personal honesty. The good, bad, and the ugly. I would like to be a contributing member of society but I am afraid of what might happen to me: I am
fear. -
outside the circles.


The Drama of the Gifted Child:
I am afraid of depression & its consequences, the state of living it causes- disability, isolation, loneliness, living death.

What is a man to be
Be a man. Be strong. Get it under control.
No emotion. Steel

Fatal Problem-
to feel as a man is to find anger, Ok. Stuff feelings in steel containers- Flying Dreams. Work etc. to outrun feelings. Anger mixed with grief. Edited out the good.

I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a trial by strength, and bid defiance to the laws of our country.
Thomas Jefferson
1816
1. Exercise 1st thing in the morning
2. Exercise regularly
3. Exercise to get rid of glucose so it doesn't turn into glycogen for muscles & liver
4. Quiet time
5. Vitamins Omega 3 Q10 Milk thistle ext
6. Enough rest & sleep
7. Inertia breads inertia
8. Self defeating neg. thoughts- challenge with positive affirmations

The Negative Thought...
I am not like other people. I don't fit in anywhere.
I CAN find a Place to Be.
society- make the best of what there is; it could be worse
























My dad really loved people & wanted to help them. He struggled in who he is & how to relate to them, but he loved them- even when they drove him crazy- even when he didn't know what to do. He shared his life with many people: adults, youths, me- always wanting to make a contribution. My dad had an illness & it was hard. He suffered in more ways than most people know, mostly because they didn't see it. My dad did not want to be a closed book. He would want others to learn from his life or from his death. You may not know the whole story, but he did fight- for many, many years & until the end. Knowing that his medications were not right- that he needed help- he fought for a hospital to admit him; but they were naive & shortly after, he was gone. He chose to sojourn through to the Great Divine. He would want you to fight for life- always. My dad was a teacher; he would want you to learn.
I also believe that in the craze of that moment- in the craze of medication & desperation- that God used this- even this- to bring peace & healing to my dad. The Lord does not ask us to bear more than we can. Sometimes that looks more different than we ever hoped, and quite the opposite of all our prayers. & Yet in this restoration, God is glorified & my dad is still my dad, only now with Heaven's hands.